Harry Literally Knows Nothing
by OZpotter10
Summary: In this AU. Harry knows nothing about his past and Dark Lord stuff. It leads to some funny consequences.
1. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

**Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.****This is a AU where Harry was told even less information upon arriving in the wizarding world. He knows he's a wizard, and his parents died in the car crash because someone cut the brakes.****I am not going to write the whole Harry Potter again just some parts.****This is purely for my amusement and I got the idea when I was going through Instagram feeds. The idea goes to fandoms_reyna.**

**When Hagrid takes Harry to Ollivander's.**

'Ahh. I shouldn't tell a 11 year old child that his wand is the brother of the wand that killed his parents.' Ollivander thought while he saw the look of sheet awe and excitement ob Harry's face.

**When Harry met Ron.**

"Wow, You are Harry Potter.' Ron exclaimed.

"Yes. Why did you say it like that and how do you know about me." Harry asked perturbed

**(Remember this is complete AU so Ron is considerate and doesn't have the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon.)**

Ron didn't want to bring up the death of this pale and thin boy's parents, so instead he said, "Your grandfather Fleamont Potter invented Sleazky's Hair Potion. It's quite a big hit and your family is famous cause of that."

"Oh" exclaims Harry, so that's why everyone was so excited and curious about him. He was last of the Potter's in the Wizarding World. My gamily must have been quite missed.

**Jump to Harry finding Quirell in the room with Mirror of Ersed.**

Quirell removes his turban and Voldemort anxiously waited to see how the boy who brought about his doom. He still hasn't figured out what happened. Darned that thrice damned prophecy.

"It is I, The Dark Lord who will gain the Sorcerer's Stone and then I will see to you boy." Voldemort monologued.

Harry was confused. 'Who wa sthis person on the back of Professor Quirell's head. He must be the reason why Professor Quirell's weirdness." And like who named themselves The Dark Lord. People will already be wary of them and if he was supposed to be some big Drak Lord or something then won't Dumbledore have already known.

So Harry asked, " Ahm. Mr Dark Lord. Is that supposed to hide your acts cause Dark Lord doesn't have a nice ring to it."

Voldemort thinks Harry is being a smart little shit, so he repeats even more meanicngly,"I am the Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort, kneel before me."

Harry shrugs so his name is not actually the Dark Lord. "Good for you, Mr. Edgelord?... but sorry I can't kneel this is all the good clothes I have and I do not want to get them dirty and this floor is a disaster."

Voldemort continues not listening to a thing Harry said."I've waited ten long years to meet you again, Harry Potter, ever since that devastating night, my one true nemsis -"

Harry interuputs, "Mr. Edgelord, I literally don't know who you are. Also, dude my one true nemsis like I'm just 11 years old. You are so old how can I be your 'one true nemsis'."

"I AM HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED" Voldemort shouts getting angrier by the minute.

Harry speaks up, "Yeah, They sure didn't. Never heard of you. You should have not named yourself that if you really wanted people to mention you."

'Was I wrong then! I mean I started a war, I am nearly dead because of all this power and glory. I mean who can do what I did. I spent so long coming up with Lord Voldemort.' Voldemort thinks to himself. 'but no, how can I be wrong. I am Lord Voldemort. It's this insolent brat.'

"I killed your parents. I am that Dark Lord. Someone must have told you."

Harry shakes his head at the poor deluded snake man. Quirell really wasn't that sharp to begin with and now he had to share that brain cell with another person too.

"My parents died in a car crash. Only I survived." Harry spoke slowly as to make the man understand.

" No! It was me! I tried to kill you too! As a baby!" Voldemort shouts frustrated.

"You tried to kill me when you were a baby?"Harry asks confused.

"No! When you were a baby!" Voldemort was close to exploding with anger.

"Oh. And you failed? Um. Maybe that's why no one remembers you? Because you were defeated by a baby? Not very lordly of you." Harry contemplates.

Voldemort is literally fuming. Smoke is rising out of Quirell's body."Didn't you ever wonder how you got that scar?" Voldemort fumes out."Didn't you wonder why they called you the boy who lived?"

"Uh, most people call me Harry? My arch nemesis calls me Potter. No... not like that actually in that posh accent of his it sounds like PoTTah!" Harry chuckles remembering Draco Malfoy.

"I'M YOUR ARCH NEMESIS!" VOLDEMORT SCREAMS.

"Sure, you are." Harry indulges the delusional man. Mental illness is no joke"but, I got the scar in the car accident."

Voldemort is now literally smoking hot.**(hehehehe)**

Harry being the polite boy, he is"Are you Ok? Mr. Edgelord. You don't look so well. Should I call for help."

And Voldemort shrieks like a Korean fan girl seeing her Idol dating and explodes out of fury.

Harry leaves the event none the wiser because Dumbledore still doesn't tell him anything cause let's face it he is _Dumb_ledore not _Let's-share-important-info-with-Harry-_ledore.


	2. Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets

A/N: Hey. So this is the second book. The sentences in bold have been taken from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I hope everyone is safe and staying inside. Lots of stuff to do but to easily bored to do it, I guess.

Well I wish everyone best of health and I am a Psychologist, so if anyone is having some issues they can contact me. My Pinterest page is Khushboo Virk. You can look me up and message me there. And I would recommend everyone to chill but please do not try Dalgona Coffee. It's to bitter. Cheerios Sorry for the previous mistake.

Harry Potter Second year

**In Chamber of Secrets**

Harry rushes to Ginny seeing her lying prone on the floor. She was cold as ice. 'Where was the Heir of Slytherin?' Harry thought to himself looking around.

"Ginny" He shook her cold body. 'Was she dead?' Harry put his finger under her nose. He breathed a sigh of relief when he detected air passing through her nose but he had to do something fast. Her breathes were getting shallower.

**"She won't wake," said a soft voice.**

**Harry jumped and spun around on his knees.**

**A tall, black-haired boy was leaning against the nearest pillar, watching. He was strangely blurred around the edges, as though Harry were looking at him through a misted window. But there was no mistaking him**

**"Tom - Tom Riddle?"**

**Riddle nodded, not taking his eyes off Harry's face.**

**"What d'you mean, she won't wake?" Harry said desperately. "She's not - she's not -?"**

**"She's still alive," said Riddle. "But only just."**

**Harry stared at him. Tom Riddle had been at Hogwarts fifty years ago, yet here he stood, a weird, misty light shining about him, not a day older than sixteen.**

**"Are you a ghost?" Harry said uncertainly.**

**"A memory," said Riddle quietly. "Preserved in a diary for fifty years.**

**He pointed toward the floor near the statue's giant toes. Lying open there was the little black diary Harry had found in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. For a second, Harry wondered how it had got there - but there were more pressing matters to deal with.**

**"You've got to help me, Tom," Harry said, raising Ginny's head again. "We've got to get her out of here. There's a basilisk ... I don't know where it is, but it could be along any**** moment ... Please, help me."**

" You know what Tom. I don't care how you are here. It's been a shitty year. All this Heir of Slytherin business. For all I know you are the Heir of Slytherin. If you truly are just come and admit everything. Dumbledore's a very forgiving person. He will help you out, no one's died yet" Harry suddenly spoke he was tired of this year and wanted to see the end of this year. For all he knew maybe Tom really had a good reason to do this. Who was he to judge someone he certainly had his own issues, major one like Dursleys. Then that crazy house elf who appointed himself his protector.

**Riddle didn't move. Harry, sweating, managed to hoist Ginny half off the floor, and bent to pick up his wand again.**

**But his wand had gone.**

**"Did you see -?"**

**He looked up. Riddle was still watching him - twirling Harry's wand between his long fingers.**

**"Thanks," said Harry, stretching out his hand for it.**

**A smile curled the corners of Riddle's mouth. He continued to stare at Harry, twirling the wand idly.**

**"Listen," said Harry urgently, his knees sagging with Ginny's dead weight. "We've got to go! If the basilisk comes -"**

**"It won't come until it is called," said Riddle calmly.**

**Harry lowered Ginny back onto the floor, unable to hold her up any longer.**

**"What d'you mean?" he said. "Look, give me my wand, I might need it -"**

**Riddle's smile broadened.**

**"You won't be needing it," he said.**

**Harry stared at him.**

**"What d'you mean, I won't be -?"**

**"I've waited a long time for this, Harry Potter," said Riddle. "For the chance to see you. To speak to you."**

Urgh! Not again. What is with all this suggestive way with which bad people waiting a long time to speak to him.

**"Look," said Harry, losing patience, "I don't think you get it. We're in the Chamber of Secrets. **There is a basilisk trying to kill us. You must be dead but me and Ginny are very much alive and I don't want that status changing any time soon. Ya know."

**"We're going to talk now," said Riddle, still smiling broadly, and he pocketed Harry's wand.**

**Harry stared at him. There was something very funny going on here ...**

**"How did Ginny get like this?" he asked slowly.**

**"Well, that's an interesting question," said Riddle pleasantly. "And quite a long story. I suppose the real reason Ginny Weasley's like this is because she opened her heart and spilled all her secrets to an invisible stranger."**

**"What are you talking about?" said Harry.**

**"The diary," said Riddle. `My diary. Little Ginny's been writing in it for months and months, telling me all her pitiful worries and woes - how her brothers tease her, how she had to come to school with secondhand robes and books, how" -Riddle's eyes glinted "how she didn't think famous, good, great Harry Potter would ever like her . . . ."**

**All the time he spoke, Riddle's eyes never left Harry's face. There was an almost hungry look in them.**

**"It's very boring, having to listen to the silly little troubles of an eleven- year-old girl," he went on. "But I was patient. I wrote back. I was sympathetic, I was kind. Ginny simply loved me. No one's ever understood me like you, Tom ... I'm so glad I've got this diary to****confide in ... It's like having a friend I can carry around in my pocket . . . .**

**Riddle laughed, a high, cold laugh that didn't suit him. It made the hairs stand up on the back of Harry's neck.**

"Man. You know you sound like a pedophile right now. Like that's a eleven year girl you are talking about. I mean that's like classic textbook." Harry was so disgusted.

"What" Tom was flabbergasted. "No, not like that I was using her to do my work. She was the one doing my work. Petrifying mudbloods and writing those messages on walls."

"Well, Some pedo's start like that then comes the molestation and other things. Like I mean how could you. You are not even real.

"How is that a stupid insolent boy, **how is it that you a skinny boy with no extraordinary magical talent - managed to defeat the greatest wizard of all time? How did you escape with nothing but a scar, while Lord Voldemort's powers were destroyed?"**** Tom hissed**

"Excuse me, but whom have i supposed to have defeated and what's with all this Lord Voldything nonsense. Last year Quirell, now you. You all are so seriously obsessed with this Mr. Lord Vold Thing" Harry was so confused.

"How dare you, insolent brat speak so disrespectfully about your superiors. I, Lord Voldemort will show you the price for your insolence. You will bow before the greatness that is Lord Voldemort, the greatest Dark Lord. For I am the Heir of Slytherin" Tom hissed again.

"Well sorry to tell you this but I don't think you really succeeded in becoming a successful 'dark lord' because frankly I have never heard of you." Harry said out of patience now. "And one more thing I don't really think you are Heir of Slytherin. Cause you know I checked Slythrein's line cause maybe I did have some Slytherin blood in my veins. Ya know it could happen." He countered at Riddle's flabbergasted gaze. "I didn't see any Riddle's in there."

"**You think I was going to use my filthy Muggle father's name forever? I, in whose veins runs the blood of Salazar Slytherin himself, through my mother's side? I, keep the name of a foul, common Muggle, who abandoned me even before I was born, just because he ****found out his wife was a witch?" **Tom sneered.

"Dude, It looks like you have some major father issues." Harry understood why he was acting like this now. This Tom was a boy with father issues and he wanted to be recognized by something else than his absentee father's name."I mean ya you had a shitty father but like my friend Seamus had the same you know but his father didn't abandon him. I don't think it was just the witch issue."

**Riddle opened his mouth, but froze.**

**Music was coming from somewhere. Riddle whirled around to stare down the empty Chamber. The music was growing louder. It was eerie, spine-tingling, unearthly; it lifted the hair on Harry's scalp and made his heart feel as though it was swelling to twice its normal size. Then, as the music reached such a pitch that Harry felt it vibrating inside his own ribs, flames erupted at the top of the nearest pillar.**

**A crimson bird the size of a swan had appeared, piping its weird music to the vaulted ceiling. It had a glittering golden tail as long as a peacock's and gleaming golden talons, which were gripping a ragged bundle.**

**A second later, the bird was flying straight at Harry. It dropped the ragged thing it was carrying at his feet, then landed heavily on his shoulder. As it folded its great wings, Harry looked up and saw it had a long, sharp golden beak and a beady black eye.**

**The bird stopped singing. It sat still and warm next to Harry's cheek, gazing steadily at Riddle.**

**"That's a phoenix****"**** said Riddle, staring shrewdly back at it.**

**"Fawkes?" Harry breathed, and he felt the bird's golden claws squeeze his shoulder gently**

**"And that -" said Riddle, now eyeing the ragged thing that Fawkes had dropped, "that's the old school Sorting Hat -"**

**So it was. Patched, frayed, and dirty, the hat lay motionless at Harry's feet.**

**Riddle began to laugh again. He laughed so hard that the dark chamber rang with it, as though ten Riddles were laughing at once**

**"This is what Dumbledore sends his defender! A songbird and an old hat! Do you feel brave, Harry Potter? Do you feel safe now?"**

"Dude, The standard for becoming Perfect must be pretty low. Cause If you were academically incline you would know that phoenix have special powers and stuff." Harry countered back.

**Harry stood, tense, waiting for Riddle to raise his wand. But Riddle's twisted smile was widening again.**

**"Now, Harry, I'm going to teach you a little lesson. Let's match the powers of Lord Voldemort, Heir of Salazar Slytherin, against famous Harry Potter, and the best weapons Dumbledore can give him . . . ."**

**He cast an amused eye over Fawkes and the Sorting Hat, then walked away. Harry, fear spreading up his numb legs, watched Ridthe stop between the high pillars and look up into the stone face of Slytherin, high above him in the half-darkness. Riddle opened his mouth wide and hissed - but Harry understood what he was saying ...**

**"Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four. "**

**Harry wheeled around to look up at the statue, Fawkes swaying on his shoulder.**

**Slytherin's gigantic stone face was moving. Horrorstruck, Harry saw his mouth opening, wider and wider, to make a huge black hole.**

**And something was stirring inside the statue's mouth. Something was sl****ithering up from its depths.**

**Harry backed away until he hit the dark Chamber wall, and as he shut his eyes tight he felt Fawkes' wing sweep his cheek as he took flight. Harry wanted to shout, "Don't leave me!" but what chance did a phoenix have against the king of serpents?**

**Something huge hit the stone floor of the Chamber. Harry felt it shudder - he knew what was happening, he could sense it, could almost see the giant serpent uncoiling itself from Slytherin's mouth. Then he heard Riddle's hissing voice:**

**"Kill him. "**

**The basilisk was moving toward Harry; he could hear its heavy body slithering heavily across the dusty floor. Eyes still tightly shut, Harry began to run blindly sideways, his hands outstretched, feeling his way - Voldemort was laughing**

**Harry tripped. He fell hard onto the stone and tasted blood the serpent was barely feet from him, he could hear it coming**

**There was a loud, explosive spitting sound right above him, and then something heavy hit Harry so hard that he was smashed into the wall. Waiting for fangs to sink through his body he heard more mad hissing, something thrashing wildly off the pillars**

**He couldn't help it - he opened his eyes wide enough to squint at what was going on.**

**The enormous serpent, bright, poisonous green, thick as an oak trunk, had raised itself high in the air and its great blunt head was weaving drunkenly between the pillars. As Harry trembled, ready to close his eyes if it turned, he saw what had distracted the snake.**

**Fawkes was soaring around its head, and the basilisk was snapping furiously at him with fangs long and thin as sabers**

**Fawkes dived. His long golden beak sank out of sight and a sudden shower of dark blood spattered the floor. The snake's tail thrashed, narrowly missing Harry, and before Harry could shut his eyes, it turned - Harry looked straight into its face and saw that its eyes, both its great, bulbous yellow eyes, had been punctured by the phoenix; blood was streaming to the floor, and the snake was spitting in agony.**

**"NO!" Harry heard Riddle screaming. "LEAVE THE BIRD! LEAVE THE BIRD! THE BOY IS BEHIND YOU. YOU CAN STILL SMELL HIM. KILL HIMI"**

**The blinded serpent swayed, confused, still deadly. Fawkes was circling its head, piping his eerie song, jabbing here and there at its scaly nose as the blood poured from its ruined eyes.**

**"Help me, help me," Harry muttered wildly, "someone - anyone**

**The snake's tail whipped across the floor again. Harry ducked. Something soft hit his face.**

**The basilisk had swept the Sorting Hat into Harry's arms. Harry seized it. It was all he had left, his only chance - he rammed it onto his head and threw himself flat onto the floor as the basilisk's tail swung over him again.**

**Help me - help me - Harry thought, his eyes screwed tight under the hat. Please help me**

**There was no answering voice. Instead, the hat contracted, as though an invisible hand was squeezing it very tightly.**

**Something very hard and heavy thudded onto the top of Harry's head, almost knocking him out. Stars winking in front of his eyes, he grabbed the top of the hat to pull it off and felt something long and hard beneath it.**

**A gleaming silver sword had appeared inside the hat, its handle glittering with rubies the size of eggs.**

**"KILL THE BOY! LEAVE THE BIRD! THE BOY IS BEHIND YOU. SNIFF - SMELL HIM."**

**Harry was on his feet, ready. The basilisk's head was falling, its body coiling around, hitting pillars as it twisted to face him. He could see the vast, bloody eye sockets, see the mouth stretching wide, wide enough to swallow him whole, lined with fangs long as his sword, thin, glittering, venomous -**

**It lunged blindly - Harry dodged and it hit the Chamber wall. It lunged again, and its forked tongue lashed Harry's side. He raised the sword in both his hands -**

**The basilisk lunged again, and this time its aim was true - Harry threw his whole weight behind the sword and drove it to the hilt into the roof of the serpent's mouth -**

**But as warm blood drenched Harry's arms, he felt a searing pain just above his elbow. One long, poisonous fang was sinking deeper and deeper into his arm and it splintered as the basilisk keeled over sideways and fell, twitching, to the floor.**

**Harry slid down the wall. He gripped the fang that was spreading poison through his body and wrenched it out of his arm. But he knew it was too late. White-hot pain was spreading slowly and steadily from the wound. Even as he dropped the fang and watched his own blood soaking his robes, his vision went foggy. The Chamber was dissolving in a whirl of dull color.**

**A patch of scarlet swam past, and Harry heard a soft clatter of claws beside him.**

**"Fawkes," said Harry thickly. "You were fantastic, Fawkes . . . ."**

**He felt the bird lay its beautiful head on the spot where the serpent's fang had pierced him.**

**He could hear echoing footsteps and then a dark shadow moved in front of him.**

**"You're dead, Harry Potter," said Riddle's voice above him. "Dead. Even Dumbledore's bird knows it. Do you see what he's doing, Potter? He's crying."**

**Harry blinked. Fawke's head slid in and out of focus. Thick, pearly tears were trickling down the glossy feathers.**

**"I'm going to sit here and watch you die, Harry Potter. Take your time. I'm in no hurry."**

**Harry felt drowsy. Everything around him seemed to be spinning.**

**"So ends the famous Harry Potter," said Riddle's distant voice. "Alone in the Chamber of Secrets, forsaken by his friends, defeated at last by the Dark Lord he so unwisely challenged. You'll be back with your dear Mudblood mother soon, Harry... She bought you twelve years of borrowed time ... but Lord Voldemort got you in the end, as you knew he must . . . ."**

**If this is dying, thought Harry,**it was pretty shitty like could that dude please stop monologuing like a bad B- Movie Villan.

But instead of everything going black, it suddenly started becoming clearer. Of course Phoenix Tears. Thankfully Hermione was a trove of knowledge and she liked to share. The wound healed and he regained his strength again.

"How... what happened?" Tom was stunned. Harry Potter was dying right before his eyes but now he was better.

"Like I said the standards were real low back then" Harry said getting up.

"No, I am the greatest wizard The Dark Lord. Lord Voldemort. I will kill you." Tom ranted.

" Man, I am telling you, You really didn't make it to the mainstream and such lengths and I had never ever heard of anyone called Mr. Edgelord was it."

"But that girl Ginny told me everything, How you defeated the Lord Voldemort."

"Uh, Tom. Are you really believing a 11 year old girl who has for the first time realized that she is not that special as her mom tells her. But seriously though the Wizarding world seriously needs some good Psychologists. People have too much issues mostly father issues." Harry was done with this. He was hungry, wet and it had already been a tiring day.

While Tom spluttered to come with a response he stabbed the diary with the basilisk fang.

Harry Potter was again not made aware of any situation but the odd way that Dumbledore looked at him made him realize that Wizarding World was in great need of some Psycho education. Maybe Hermione could help him with it.


End file.
